Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

Friday night party time 🥳

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.