I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
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*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said