I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
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ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.