Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Strange

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

relationship goals

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.