I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
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Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
a McRib killed my tapeworm
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.