Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever