I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
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[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
#TopTip
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today