I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.