Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.