I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
knights of the ikea table
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL