I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
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My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
There is no “we” in pizza
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
logging onto twitter…
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!