I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
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SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy