I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
![]()
You Might Also Like
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
The struggle is real.
![]()
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good