I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
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Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
three things we don’t talk about
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.