I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
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I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
*swipes right on my hand mirror
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
So glad we cleared that up
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.