I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
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Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”