i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
You Might Also Like
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.