i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Flowers bee like
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!