i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
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(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Netflix and awkward silence?
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG