Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”