Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

Spider-cat: No One Home

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

I needed a laugh this morning.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

For real 🤣

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.