Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.