Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

Me: don’t be hitting!

Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!

Him, 9: you threw a block at me!

Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!

I got soap in my shower beer again.

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”