Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Just how popey was the pope today?

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes