Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

ㅤ

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence