Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

I support this random dude and all his protests

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

ㅤ

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.