Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

i want the dreams to chase me for once

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER