Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

A classic…

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

I used the label maker

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag