Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

At least my masseuse has my back.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”