I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
sensitive skin
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Oh the world we live in…
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner