I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
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Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds