Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not