I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
The cake is mightier than the sword.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
can’t believe I got front row seats
🤣🤣🤣
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”