Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

🤯🤯🤯

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*