Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

I never needed anything more in my life

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

Artwork by Herta Burbe

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?