I’m just a girl trying to keep up with a guy on my Fitbit challenge who may be walking out more sexual frustration than me

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Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.


I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.


Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex


[First date]

Me: [thinking girls like responsibility] I’ve got a license


Me: [but also danger] to kill


Me: [but not red flags] ducks

Her: [secretly two ducks in a little black dress] *nervously puts down one of the never ending breadsticks*


GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?


I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me


I’m taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she’s staying with me and I love subliminal messages.


I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs.”