Him: That’s a little dramatic.
Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.
I’m just a girl trying to keep up with a guy on my Fitbit challenge who may be walking out more sexual frustration than me
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You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
If I learned anything from my childhood, its that if you cry long enough, your dead hamster will be reborn as a rabbit