@jdforshort

I’m just a girl trying to keep up with a guy on my Fitbit challenge who may be walking out more sexual frustration than me

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@SaltyCorpse

Him: That’s a little dramatic.

Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.

@zero3_benz

You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?

@chrisdowning

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

@lazerdoov

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

@nbadag

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

@jakob_huber

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

@imteddybless

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

@PoliUncorrect

If I learned anything from my childhood, its that if you cry long enough, your dead hamster will be reborn as a rabbit