My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
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I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”