Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

👻

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

Clients after you give them your rates

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.