I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
The government even made aliens boring
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..