I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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It’s an epidemic…
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
me linking you to my twitter
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.