I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

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So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient


name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture


A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?


My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be “brave” and “daring” by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.


When you text a guy “my shirt smells like you” be sure you spell shirt correctly.


Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.


No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.


3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.


Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*


ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm