@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

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@Gen22

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

@chilldadpalguy

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

@joshgondelman

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

@MmeSurly

My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be “brave” and “daring” by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.

@WyLdAnIcA

When you text a guy “my shirt smells like you” be sure you spell shirt correctly.

@texasstalkermom

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

@AristotlesNZ

3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

@SondraDeeMe

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm