I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?