I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet