Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.