Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit