I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
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When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
wtf is a larm clock?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
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*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
my professor scared me for a second
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.