Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.