Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

Think I pulled my liver

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!