Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

This is my cat’s medicine.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.