I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
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“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
What the hell happened here.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Terribly Tuesday.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.