I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
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You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.