Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.