I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
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The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I could NOT have put it better myself.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice