I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
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Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played