@SandwichGhoul

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

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@jwoodham

FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that’s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.

@NikiWithIssues

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such c**ts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

@notfaizzy

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

@WheelTod

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

@sixfootcandy

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

@nealbrennan

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

@SwirlySkittles

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.