I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
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Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”