Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…