Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.