I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
here we go again
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion