Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

Thank heavens for community notes

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.