Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

Looking at you, Jesus.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

the three branches of government

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.