I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
You Might Also Like
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
⚰
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.