I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
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If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
They should make a moral fiber supplement
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]