Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

he’s sick of your bullshit today

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

IT’S-A ME,

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.