I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
You Might Also Like
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: