Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*