I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
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“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made