I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
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Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
58.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.