Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”