Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
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Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Don’t even talk to me unless you’re an actual cup of coffee. In which case I’d listen to your story as I slowly sip the life from you.
1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?
2017 me: oh
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]