my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
That’s enough internet for the day
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me