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@bananagrvyrd

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

@LostFelicia

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

@ibid78

Don’t even talk to me unless you’re an actual cup of coffee. In which case I’d listen to your story as I slowly sip the life from you.

@lisaxy424

1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?

2017 me: oh

@Parkerlawyer

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

@LADaddy

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

@Roxtalled2

Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”

@AndrewChamings

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

@FrenulumBreve

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]