I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
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Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I missed you with all my darts
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Me too, bag. Me too….
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it