I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

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ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm


[arrives at the gates of hell]
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“Huh. List says Garfield”


Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it’s a bad birthday present.


LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied


Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..


It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.


A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”


Conservatives after a mass shooting: “You can’t take our guns!”

Conservatives after a police shooting: “But he had a gun!”

I’m confused.


Here it is, folks:

“Do imaginary octopi have …

(wait for it)

(wait for it)