I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
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Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.