Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.