I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Pickled cat.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.