I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
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SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.