Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…

Well, toucan play at that game.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.