Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.