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@Dawn_M_: I'm just going to come right out and say it. I'm sorry I ate your seagull.
@ThugRaccoons: Mom: Where are you?
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
@robfee: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
@iAmDelFreaky: <during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn't just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it's pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn't bother me.
@mattZillaaaa: I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
@psybermonkey: Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we've needed a Target for like, ever