@Dawn_M_

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

You Might Also Like

@Marlebean

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

@parsfarce

me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now

@Desert_Musings

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

@ThugRaccoons

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

@degg

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

@Adam14

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

@TheDrunkStory

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

@Danny_Dilford

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

@lil_aracuan

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p